Dealing with a conflict in an important relationship.

The first thing we should establish about conflicts is that conflicts are inevitable, no matter how close a couple or best friends can be. They do not have to take the form of lashing out or even cold wars; they can simply be quiet dissatisfaction or unhappiness about each other that necessitates a resolution.

More often than not, we leave conflicts unresolved or resolve them on the surface for acquaintances or unfamiliar colleagues, as we can simply ignore them if necessary. These are usually only content conflicts. Thus, it is often the most difficult and arduous in trying to completely resolve relationship level conflicts in a relationship that one wishes very much to keep.

I would describe this situation in general context from a real experience. X is a strong-headed, defensive yet often muddle-headed person. Y is a hot-tempered, self-righteous and relatively more knowledgeable person. Throughout their relationship, Y has always been frustrated with X, who can be actually rather intelligent in school but very often not street-smart at all. X, understanding that Y meant well, tries as much as he can to learn and bears with Y whenever Y lectures him about things he does not know. In a major conflict that arose recently, X finally broke down and yelled at Y, telling Y that he is always angry at X for no apparent reason and that X always had to tolerate with Y acting as if X were an idiot.

The problem here between the two friends is that X is dealing with the relationship aspect of the conflict, based on anger from how Y has been treating him in this friendship. On the other hand, Y is dealing with the content aspect of the conflict, based on frustration from how annoying X can be when he is ignorant. Conflict has always been quietly building up but while X has been trying to tell Y about the problem, Y, being very self-righteous, has either been oblivious to the signs or simply ignored the symptoms (the problem was that he did not wish to explain himself).

Outside of this conflict, the two are very close, sincere friends and enjoy each other’s company very much. However, X being strong-headed and defensive, does not like how Y always criticises him whenever he gets miffed, and he gets miffed very easily. Hence, here is the problem posed: X wishes to keep the relationship but the on-going conflict has to be resolved. X has thought about talking to Y about it but is afraid that Y would not listen (being self-righteous) and hence there is a communication break-down.

I personally felt that X should talk to Y while expressing his own unhappiness objectively about the relationship. X should also try to deal with the content aspect by telling Y that he would appreciate if Y could control his temper, and he sincerely liked to learn from Y without the unnecessarily harsh criticism. Since Y is self-righteous, X should try to initiate the resolution and soften Y’s personality.

I would like to open the floor to my friends then, on how much effort would you put into salvaging a relationship like that, when you have been really very close but have constantly been having problems with the other party; in other words, how would you choose to talk to that loved one?